THE MADNESS: NATURE BITES WEEK#1

MOVIES:

1. SEED OF CHUCKY (2004) Chucky and Tiffany's weird girl/boy Glen/Glenda teams up with his parents in search of a family and they impregnate actress Jennifer Tilly. 87 Mins. *.5/5 2 base pts. Total= 2pts.

2. DEEP BLUE SEA 2: The smart sharks are back this time with cute little baby sharks who are hungry. Fun but doesn't hold a candle to its predecessor or sequel. 93 Mins. ***.25/5 ATB 6 pts. Total =6 pts.

3. SHARK NIGHT: A bunch of college kids find themselves in trouble when they are attacked by a variety of sharks in a lake. More plot twists ensue. Fun but forgettable. 90 Mins. ***/5 ATB 6 pts. Total= 6 pts.

4. JAWS 3D: This time around the shark attacks Dennis Quaid and friends at Sea World. Goofy but fun. 99 Mins. ***/5 ATB 6 pts. Total= 6 pts.

5. CHILDREN OF THE CORN (1984) Stephen King classic about a group of kids who start worshipping an evil entity in the corn and kill all the town's adults. Linda Hamilton and Peter Horton star as a couple going cross country that ends up in crazy town. A little "corny" no pun intended but fun and disturbing. 92 Mins. ***.5/5 2 base pts. 1 bonus evil plant 1 bonus weather event Total= 4 pts.

6. HUBIE HALLOWEEN (NETFLIX) Adam Sandler stars in this really dumb and goofy but well intentioned horrorish comedy as the town joke who ends up becoming the hero of Halloween in Salem. People begin to disappear and there seems to be a werewolf on the loose. 102 Mins. ***/5 ATB Werewolf 6 pts. Total= 6 pts.

7. THE CAVE: A group of expert climbers/cave divers explore an uncharted cave and discover deadly creatures. It's the less good version of the descent mixed with the relic. 97 Mins. ***.5/5 2 base pts. 1 bonus animal attack 1 bonus attack in large numbers 1 bonus animal/human hybrid Total= 5 pts.

8. EIGHT LEGGED FREAKS: A town comes under attack by giant spiders. Silly, fun and a little creepy with awesome FX. 99 Mins. ****/5 2 base pts. 1 bonus animals attack 1 bonus large numbers 1 bonus radiation  Total= 5 pts.

Subtotal: 40 pts.

TV:

A HAUNTING S3E2 THE ATTIC: I love this shop and the corny reenactments. It's still hella creepy. A young mother moves into a haunted house with her kid and they get terrorized. 44 Mins. ***.5/5 1 base pt. Total= 1 pt.

MONSTERLAND S1E1 Port Fourchon, Louisiana: This is my new favorite show. A young woman meets a shapeshifter that makes her question the choices she's made in her life. 53 Mins. *****/5 1 base pt. 1 pt. Shapeshifter Total= 2 pts.

MONSTERLAND S1E2 Eugene, Oregon: A young man with a sick mother joins a group of fanatics after seeing a strange shadow figure. 51 Mins. ****.5/5 1 base pt.  Total= 1 pt.

MONSTERLAND S1E3 New Orleans, Louisiana: A woman discovers that her husband has been molesting children and a demon makes her face the music. 49 Mins. ****.5/5 1 base pt. Total: 1 pt. 

MONSTERLAND S1E4 New York, New York: The CEO of an energy company experiences a sort of posession from mother earth after committing the horrible act. This is the first mediocre episode. 52 Mins. **.5/5 1 base pt. 1 pt. For bird attack. Total= 2 pts.

MONSTERLAND S1E5 Plainfield, Illinois: Two women in a toxic relationship grows more complicated when one of them becomes the undead. The first half drags a bit but it really picks up in the second and it comes together quite nicely. 52 Mins. ***.5/5 1 base pt. Total= 1 pt.

MONSTERLAND S1E6 Palacios, Texas: A man deformed by toxic chemicals from an oil spill discovers a mermaid and falls in live with her. It starts off strongly but doesn't live up to its potential. 43 Mins. 1 base pt. 1 bonus for animal attack  Total= 2 pts.

MONSTERLAND S1E7 Iron River, Michigan: A young woman goes missing and years later her friend takes over her life. I'm not really sure what the point of this one is but it's marginally entertaining. 47 Mins. ***/5 1 base pt. Total= 1 pt.

MONSTERLAND S1E8 Newark, NJ: A couple grieve the loss of their child in different ways. Meanwhile what seem to be angles' fall from the sky. It's starts off slow but this is a return to the quality of the first 3. Great performances and wild and emotionally resonant finale. 54 Mins. 1 base pt. 1 bonus point animal attack. Total= 2 pts.

50 STATES OF FRIGHT S1

E1-3 The Golden Arm (Michigan): Directed by Sam Raimi and starring Travis Fimmel this rad story is about a young woman who looses her arm in a tragic accident and her husband makes her a gold one. 24 Mins. ****.5/5 1 1 bonus takes place in national park

E4-6 Ball of Twine (Kansas): Ming Na Wen and Karen Allen star in this twisted tale about a town with a giant ball of twine that likes to eat its visitors. 16 Mins. ***.5/5 1 bonus animal attack

E7-8 Scared Stiff (Oregon) James Ransome stars as a taxidermist who gets a baby sasquatch and than its mother comes looking for it. 13 Mins. ****/5

E9-11 Grey Cloud Island (Minnesota) Asa Butterfield stars in this story about some frat initiates whom find themselves in the middle of what seems to be a cult sacrifice. 25 Mins. ***.5/5

E12-14 Destino (Florida) A couple of cops find themselves in a cult house filled with posession and demons. 18 Mins. ***.5/5

96 Mins. ****/5

2 base pts. 4 bonus pts. Total= 6 Pts.

50 STATES OF FRIGHT S2

E1-3 Almost There, Iowa: Taissa Farminga gives the best performance of her career as a young woman who must face her demons, literally when she's called up on a job. 24 Mins. 

E4-5 13 steps to hell: Rory Culkin stars in this tale of some kids who go to bury their pet and something much darker terrorizes them. 14 Mins. 1 bonus animals attack 

E7-8 Red Rum, Colorado: Christina Ricvis is excellent as a hotel clerk in s haunted hotel that doesn't like nosey visitors. 21 Mins. 

E9-10 Dogwood Azalea, Missouri: A couple who flips brings there daughter to a haunted one in which the ghost of the dead girl wants her to stay forever. Elizabeth Reaser stars. 14 Mins.

75 Mins. 1.5 base pts  2 bonus pts

Total= 3.5Pts.

Subtotal= 23.5 pts.

SPECIAL CHALLENGE:

THE BIRDS (1963): Alfred Hitchcock's nature strikes back classic is just as awesome as ever when killer birds invade Bodega Bay with badass final girl Tippi Hedren. 119 Mins. *****/5

AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON (1981): John Landis helmed this brilliant, creative horror comedy with the most amazing practical effects. An American backpacking through Europe with his friend is attacked and infected by a giant werewolf. Hilarity and gory carnage ensue. 97 Mins. ****.25/5

Sub total= 15 pts.

SECRET FILM:

#5. NIGHT OF THE CREEPS (1986): Space slugs land on earth on s college campus. Fun flick with gnarly practical FX. 86 Mins. ****.25/5  Total=10 pts.

Total= 88.5 pts.

EATING OUT: OPEN WEEKEND

Zack and Benji open up their relationship while at an open weekend. Naughtiness ensues and Casey arrives to stir things up. I don't know if it's because I'm more invested at this point after 4 other films, but these films really do just get better and better. Sure the acting is still atrocious but the guys are hotter, the movie is funnier, sexier and more engaging. Plus it has the biggest heart of the whole series. If it ends on this chapter it's definitely on a high note.

7/10

EATING OUT: DRAMA CAMP

The boys end up at drama camp with a whole bunch of new studs with the sexual hijinks to match. This is even better than the others. Although these aren't great films they're very entertaining. Sometimes intentionally so and sometimes not. This time around relationship lines are pushed and the main continuing couple is challenged. There's of course even more eye candy this time around and despite some truly awful performances its funnier and sexier than the others.

7/10

EATING OUT: ALL YOU CAN EAT

A woman helps a gay friend find love with his crush on a dating website by posting his profile with a pic of her hot ex. But problems arise when her ex arrives and they have to keep the charade up. Although it's really more of the same this is the best entry yet. The two leads have good chemistry, although all of the performances leave something to be desired. There's lots more eye candy this time around and the movies even more raunchy. Hunky Chris Salvatore is a welcome edition and underneath all the whoriness is a heart.

7/10

EATING OUT 2: SLOPPY SECONDS

A gay man and his two girl friends hatch a plan to discover a sexy male model's orientation. Kyle the male member of the trio takes the model to a seminar about "going straight" and hijinks ensue. This is a bit more entertaining than the first and like that one it's funny and sexy with a bunch of eye candy. Although it's all quite predictable its more than amusing and is another somewhat successful entry in the growing queer sex comedy franchise.

6.5/10

EATING OUT

In this raunchy everything sex comedy a man falls for a girl. However his roomie makers her believe he's gay to get close to her hottie gay bestie whose into her new guy. It's pretty slutty but also sexy, sassy and funny. It's entertaining with pretty bad performances but it all works well enough for the guilty pleasure sex comedy that it is. Some of the side characters like Tiffani make it more entertaining by adding some much needed spice. But the actress who plays Gwen is quite annoying. All in all it's amusing but nothing groundbreaking.

6/10

XANADU

Olivia Newton John headlines this queer musical classic about a muse that falls in love with her target. A fabulous record album artist who decides with a stranger to open up a roller skating rink with magical results. Or at least I think that is what it's about. The whole movie is like being high on shrooms. It's super colorful and wonderfully gay. But besides a visual feast and a great soundtrack nothing's really going on. It tries desperately to connect the muicals of yesterday and modern day at the time but never finds the right vibe. The charachters are pretty but lack personality and depth and so does the story. On that aspect it was really hard for me to be completely engaged. That being said my fiancee and best friend love this movie and will probably murder me after reading it, so I'll end on a positive note. It's pretty and fun. <3

Budget: $20M

Box Office: $23M

6/10

KILLER UNICORN

A serial killer dressed as a hot unicorn strikes horror in West Hollywood when he targets a group of friends. It's a fairly generic setup with a queer twist. The acting is not great but the movie is surprisingly fun with some cool kills. The movie obviously struggles with budgetary constraints but makes good on what it has which includes a super campy and fun villain. 

6.5/10

FEAR NO EVIL (1981)

This has to be one of the queerest horror movies ever made. Joining the ranks of films like Nightmare on elm St. 2 and Hellbent, Fear no evil tells the tale of a kid that gets bullied and discovers he's the devil's son of sorts. Add zombies, demons, glitter, lasers, lots of homoeroticism and a spattering of male nudity and there you have it. I discovered this gem a few years ago and was happy it got the blu ray treatment recently. It's not a great film but it's definitely got that sleazy, retro horror feel that makes it worthwhile.

7/10

THE TRIP (2002)

I love revisiting all these classics I haven't seen since they were released. The Trip was always one that really touched me. Plot wise there's nothing new here but the performers are adorable, talented and they have great chemistry. The film chronicles the love story between two men who meet under odd circumstances when one of them is supposedly straight. Over the years their relationship deepens and than something tears them apart. Years later one of them receives word that the other is very sick and abandons his life to rush and spend whatever time is left with the other. The movie is funny and sad, really sad. In fact the finale is one of the biggest tearjerkers ever. It's definitely worth a watch.

8.5/10

VELVET BUZZSAW (NETFLIX)

Written and directed by Dan Gilroy of Nightcrawler this is a unique film unlike anything you've ever seen for better or worse. The aptly titled Velvet Buzzsaw stars Jake Gyllenhaal (Nightcrawler), Toni Colette (Hereditary), Renee Russo (Ransom), Zawee Ashton (Nocturnal Animals), Tom Sturidge (On the Road), John Malkovich (Red), Billy Magnussen (Game Night) and Natalie Dyer (Stranger Things). It's an awesome cast in a movie that works as a dissection of the Art world. The vapid, hollowness of exchange. The charachters and storyline are more symbolic than actually fully realized entities. The movie isn't completely successful at all its endeavors but it's ambition is intriguing and the results are polarizing. It's no doubt a horror film but it's definitely an indie art film as well combined with a hefty budget and stylish direction. This is definitely a film you will either like or hate but I was definitely a fan.

7/10

THE HAUNTING (1999)

Alot of people hate on this movie. But since it has come out on my birthday in the summer of 1999 I've loved it. I know it's goofy. But it's one of the only big budget Hollywood scare fests. And although it's not very scary or even very suspenseful it lacks something genre films desperately need, it's absolute fun. A genuine rush of pure entertainment. Starring Liam Neeson, Lili Taylor, Owen Wilson and scene stealer Catherine Zeta Jones. The film centers on a group of characters who are unwittingly participating on a study on fear in a giant grotesquely beautiful mansion with a sketchy past. The film is not subtle at all and when the floodgates of paranormal activity begin. It's a barrage of CGI that has everything from furniture to stone sculptures springing to life and attacking. Like I said before the movie it's a ton of fun and a truly rare example of an imaginative Hollywood reimagining with a budget so that the director of Speed and Twister can do everything his little heart desires. One of my faves.

Budget: $80M

Box Office: $180M

9/10

OTTO; OR UP WITH DEAD PEOPLE

This weird avant garde gay zombie movie is unlike anything you've ever seen for better or worse. It's confusing but I think it's about a crew shooting a gay zombie movie that comes upon a cute emo undead twink named Otto. It follows his adventures as he roams the countryside hooking up with randos and culminating in a big orgy. Like I said it's really odd. There is however a certain grotesque charm about it all. The film is definitely a metaphor for the aimlessness of youth and sexual hunger. It's not a porn but it is kinda soft core. There are penises but usually they're in undead stomachs. It's overly gory and overtly campy but the film manages to work well enough if only for originality.

6.25/10

THE HOT CHICK

This is my favorite Rob Schneider movie. I know that's not saying much but I just happen to love this in. Even though I know it's kinda awful. It centers on a young woman played by Rachel McAdams ( Notebook) who steals a set of cursed earrings and ends up switching bodies with a petty criminal. When she awakes as Schneider she reaches out to her disbelieving best friend played by a hilarious Anna Farris (Scary Movie) and they try and discover how to solve it with a group of misfits all the while dodging her hot boyfriend played by a smoking Matthew Lawrence. It's hilarious and overly silly and although most of the humor is in bad taste this is one of those rare times that it just works.

Budget: $34M

Box Office: $54.6M

8/10

SHOWGIRLS

 

Back in 1995 Paul Verhoeven (Basic Instinct) unleashed his criminally misunderstood high trash masterpiece. I remember I was 16 when it came out and I was only allowed to see it because I worked at the theater. I was quite popular in school because I would sneak my friends in with me. I had no idea how much the film would make an impact on my life. From my humor to my writing, my dancing and the way I view films in general. Now don't get me wrong the film is indeed bad in almost every fathomable way. From its ridiculously over the top performances to the ultra cliched storyline and odd directorial touches. The film centers on Nomi played by a perfectly ferocious Elizabeth Berkley (Saved by the bell) who lands in Las Vegas in hopes of becoming a professional dancer but ends up in a seedy exotic club. But after a series of events she lands in a big, topless show at the Flamingo. And before she knows it shes thrust into a dark world of ambition where everything is for sale. What makes the film so great is the intensity in which everything is delivered. Because it takes itself so seriously it's easy to enjoy the unintentional funnies. Of which the film is filled with along with lots of nudity, sex and even a crazy fight scene. It's a soap opera on cocaine with Red bull thrown in. There will never be anything else like it and that's why it's one of my favorite movies.

Budget: $45M

Box Office: $37.8M

9/10

LEGEND (2015)

Based on the true story of the gangsters the Kray brothers the film should have been a perfect showcase for hunky Tom Hardys creative range and talent. Instead it's a half realized piece of Hollywood entertainment that never goes deep enough to be anything spectacular. Tracing the events of the rise of their criminal empire it also shows the abuse one of their wives endures. Props to the makers for keeping the gay element intact but for the most part it's kept off screen. Still for gangster movie fans especially it's a fun, engaging flick that's sadly forgettable. And as for Hardy, he's great but there's not such a huge difference  between the characters that it's as impressive as it could have been.

Budget: $25M

Box Office: $43M

7/10

4TH MAN OUT

A man decides to come out to his group of bros with interesting and funny results. Things of course change but they try and be their most accommodating by taking him to gay clubs and even on double dates. But an accidental misreading tears the group apart and he does his best to bring them all together. All the while trying to find someone of his very own. The movie is fun and heartfelt but there's nothing really new here. The approach is however refreshing and the film feels genuine.

7/10

SHELTER

Continuing my Pride month marathon I finally got around to this splendid gay film after lots of reccomendations. Centering around a young man named Zach who begins hanging out with his best friends gay brother played by hunky Brad Rowe (Billy's Hollywood screen kiss). At first the two bond over surfing but it soon becomes something more as Zach has to deal with not only the effect of his relationship but the courage to pursue the life he wants. There's really nothing new here but it's done very well. The film is beautifully shot with solid chemistry from its leads and the story has a genuine, relatable feel due to the elevated, confident direction.

8/10

ALL OVER THE GUY

This is one of my favorite LGBTQ films. Mostly because it's just so damn entertaining but also because it's quite painful to watch for personal reasons. It's simplistic in it's plotting as two gay men are set up on a blind date and hate eachother. But as their friends get engaged they are pushed into each others lives and opposites attract. The cast is great all around and the movies take on the subgenre is refreshing and genuine with no easy outs. It leaves an impression far after the credits roll. The film is sexy, romantic and really funny. A hidden gem that deserves a watch.

8.5/10

FABULOUS STORY OF QUEER CINEMA

I'm always interested in any film documentaries especially when there about the history of queer films. As a gay man I am a huge movie fan and love seeing myself in the films I love. That being said this 2006 film is just slightly disappointing. After the superior Celluloid Closet it not only lacks the information in that film but also doesn't really bring anything new to the plate. That being said it's fine but there's definitely better explorations of the topic out there.

6/10