NEW BLOOD (NETFLIX): BURYING THE EX

BURYING THE EX
RLJ
2014 color
89 Mins.
Horror/Comedy
Anton Yelchin, Alexandria Daddario, Ashley Greene and Oliver Cooper star.
Written by Alan Trezza
Directed by Joe Dante
Rated R for language, violence, gore and sexuality.

It's true that Joe Dante has lost his touch a bit. His last great film was Gremlins 2. Not that he hasn't been trying but nothing in Small Soldiers, Looney tunes back in action or even Matinee came close too his classics like Gremlins and Innerspace. And I know he made a little bit of a comeback to most with his foray into kiddie horror with the hole but I found the movie a little dull and generic. That being said I'm happy to say that I was pleasantly surprised by Burying the Ex. It's not a perfect movie by any means but it's fun and has more than it's fare share of memorable moments. Anton Yelchin stars as the film's lead a young man named Max who works at a supernatural shop of sorts. He's dating an annoying, clingy young woman played by Ashley Greene whose a little bit jealous and a whole lot clingy.When he eventually gathers the courage to break up she's hit by a bus before he can do it and  than comes back with the help of a satanic charm just when he just seems to be hitting it off with a new, charming, more laid back young lady played by sexy Daddario. What follows is some laughs and creeps and eventually she gets hungry and than there's some impressive splatter.  Also there's a few memorable involving some gooey stuff along the way. Eventually if he wants any chance of saving his new romance and possibly her life he has to put his ex in the ground for good. Although we've seen this film before and most of it has been better. "Burying" has an inventive charm about it and is Dante's most inspired piece of work in years. The actors are all charming Greene the least of the three but even she has her moments, Daddario is endearing and the adorable Yelchin who should be a household name and a big time movie star once again shines here lending the role his engaging charm.  Burying the Ex is not one of the best films I'e ever seen but I'd be lying if I said that I wouldn't be revisiting a couple more times.***.75/5

NEW BLOOD: A CHRISTMAS HORROR STORY

A CHRISTMAS HORROR STORY
Lionsgate
2015 color
99 Mins.
Horror/Comedy
William Shatner, George Buza and Rob Archer star.
Written by James Lee, Sarah Larsen, Pascal Trottier and Doug Taylor
Directed by Grant Harvey, Steve Hoban and Brett Sullivan
N/R contains language, violence, gore, sexuality and nudity

It would be easy to write off A Christmas Horror Story as just another generic, terrible Christmas horror flick. Especially since besides a sacred few most of them tend to suck. Well I'm happy to say that the movie is actually a pleasant surprise. Although Krampus is ruling the 2015 season "Christmas" is a solid entry in the holiday sub genre that will surely become a cult classic. Set up as an anthology film the film never quite gels together story wise but most of the stories work rather well as well as most of the twists. The best of the stories is centered around the famous demon Krampus and features a run off side character from another. A shady father takes his spoiled family on a trip to see his rich Aunt so that he can con her out of money and the intimidating spirit is let out of it's shell. The makeup effects in this segment are really impressive and the twist ending is inspired. The second most effective features a troubled family searching for their Xmas tree in a restricted area. Their son gets lost and they find him shortly after bu he's acting very strange. It's safe to say that what follows has some of the most shocking moments I've seen in any movie in quite some time. Plus who doesn't love a movie where a mother hits a demonic kid in the face with a bat. The third centers on old Saint Nick as he battles Elves who have become infected by the zombie virus. Most of the this story feels to silly to work even though Santa is kinda bad ass and it's gory as hell. But the culmination of events is surprising and effective. The least effective story about three kids who brake into their high school where astyear students were found dead has some really creepy moments and is genuinely disturbing but finale sits a little lame especially in he makeup department. All in all it's a fun ride. Sure it's a little sloppy in parts but it's one of the more creative genre entries to come out this year and although it may be a bit too dark in places feeling a little too mean spirited for it's own good A Christmas Story is a creepy holiday treat! ****/5

NEW BLOOD: KRAMPUS

KRAMPUS
Universal
2015 Color
98 Mins.
Horror/Comedy
Adam Scott, Toni Collette, David Koechner, Allison Tollman, Conchata Ferrell and Stefanie avie Owen star.
Written and Directed by Michael Dougherty
Rated PG-13 for language, violence and gore.

It would figure that the guy who recently made one of the definitive halloween movies would return with not just the best Christmas horror film of all time but one of the most satisfying theatrical experiences in quite some time. My expectations were high going into "Krampus" and I'm happy to say they were mostly met. Harking back to the golden yester years of 80's horror flicks Krampus delivers the creepy goods with a movie that's so imaginative,so original and most of all just so fun. The movie centers on a dysfunctional family around the holidays who find themselves coming face to face with the ancient Christmas legend Krampus and his minions of evil which include demonic gingerbread, ghastly doll faced angels, an anaconda jack in the box, an aggressive teddy with razor sharp teeth, the creepiest elves I've ever seen and lots of other wicked terrors. After a dark Christmas wish from a sad young boy is answered. The family find themselves in the middle of a freak blizzard and stalked and dispatched in gruesomely inventive ways one by one. Those expecting a kind, heartwarming finale will be disappointed as Dougherty delivers on the dark side of the material but that's not to say that there's not a good message. Such as the real meaning of Christmas, family and sacrifice.The family led by Oscar Winner Toni Collette and Adam Scott deliver solid performances as does the supporting cast like Koechner and Tollman. The reason why all of this works so well is the confident direction by fanboy Koechner he balances horror, comedy and the spirit of the season perfectly and he isn't afraid to give his performers the room they need to have smaller moments that develop their characters as well as the story line. While all along delivering creepy scares, well earned laughs and a social commentary on the materialism of Christmas and the disconnection of the modern family. What makes the proceedings that much more effective are the combination of amazing creature design, practical effects and a dark sense of humor that takes the proceedings seriously but with a winking eye. Also Dougherty does accomplish a feat in achieving that balance as most of the holiday themed horror movies that have proceeded tend to be a bit too mean spirited to pull in a bigger audience as well as most genre movies that tend to involve kids are either too vulgar or too kiddie to be effective for everyone. If any film can do it, this is it. All in all Krampus is blast a film that's sure to be a cult classic that will deservedly be visited every holiday season! ****.75/5

NEW BLOOD: VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN

VICTOR FRANKENSTEIN
FOX
2015 COLOR
110 MINS.
HORROR/SCI-FI/COMEDY
JAMES MCAVOY, DANIELLE RADCLIFFE, JESSICA BROWN FINDLAY AND ANDREW SCOTT STAR.
WRITTEN BY MAX LANDIS
DIRECTED BY PAUL MCGUIGAN
RATED PG-13 FOR LANGUAGE, VIOLENCE AND GORE.

Cinematic Turkey alert! I'm assuming from just seeing the trailers and reading some of the reviews 27% :( you can guess that this just isn't the best movie. The worst thing about it, is that it's not bad enough to be good and not good enough to be actually good. Centering more around the character of Igor and his origin. The film does feel to approach the subject matter with a fresh pair of eyes at first. But after those 15 minutes it soon dredges us back to the same ol. I won't bother recanting the insepid storytelling this time around instead focusing on the critique of it all. The film's main problem is that it can't decide what kind of movie it wants to be a comedy, a horror, an action film, a drama, it flirts with all of these but never commits to any of them. Making the proceedings feel confusing and over long. Besides the direction the film suffers from uneven performances from a talented cast, sloppy editing, disappointing cinematography and overall sluggish pacing. As far as the positives which there are very few attributes the practical effects are solid especially with the creature. It's design is inspired mixing elements from the original monster with new twists. The film also has some moments, two or three of the laughs work and it is quite interesting in the beginning. Overall it falls into the worst category a film like it can, it's just kinda boring and forgettable. Despite the efforts of the talented people involved "Victor" is  a mostly uninspired mess. **/5

HOMOEROTIC HORROR HUMPDAY: THE COVENANT

THE COVENANT

Screen Gems

2006 Color

97 Mins.

Horror/Thriller

Steven Strait, Sebastian Stan, Taylor Kitsch, Chace Crawford, Toby Hemingway, Kyle Schmid, Laura Ramsey and Jessica Lucas star.

Written by J.S. Cardone

Directed by Renny Harlin

Rated PG-13 for language violence and nudity.

Marketed by the studio as the first in horror films geared towards women. When watching any part of this film it's really hard to believe that this film wasn't obviously geared towards gay men. The film opened to dismal reviews with 3% from Rotten Tomatoes but still managed to top the box office with 8.9 million on a weak weekend in October 15, 2006. I was of course one of the first people in line especially after those seductive trailers with shirtless pretty boys shooting powers at each other. Well I can tell you the fruits of watching The Covenant proved worthwhile giving so much more than what I expected from the previews. The film is an over the top camp fest with wooden acting some cool FX, lots of shirtless hotties and even a little booty.

The film centers on a studly young man named Caleb played by the delicious Steven Strait, who along with his four hot buds (none of which belong in high school) are known as the the Sons of Ipswich. All of them possessing secret magical powers. Soon after the adrenaline junkie beginning he is introduced to a sexy new student Chase played by a than unknown Sebastian Stan who went on to play the Winter Soldier in the Marvel movies. He also runs into a borderline annoying young woman who becomes his love interest. lots of CGI magic occurs along with some soap opera twists. And also lots of swim practice, Oh did I mention the boys are on a swim team clad in Speedos. The movie is slightly exploitative to women zooming in on breasts and panties for no reason but that's nothing compared to the slow gazes featured on the guys abs, asses and their overall stunning physiques.

BIGGEST GAY BAIT MOMENT: The film's biggest gay bait moment comes after a quick little magic fight between Caleb and Chase. A wounded Caleb lies on the ground and a maniacal Chase kisses him. Huh? I'm pretty sure that wasn't necessary but appreciated none the less.

In Conclusion The Covenant is a perfect movie to watch for Homoerotic Hump Day. It's PG-13 but sports enough scantily clad bodies and guys that talk all too close for comfort to warrant a watch or two.

Watch the trailer below and check out the pics of the hot cast with my personal ratings:

TRAILER:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aP0C9gox1yc

STEVE STRAIT AS CALEB DANVERS

HEYYYYYY RATING: 9.5/10

TAYLOR KITSCH AS POGUE PARRY

HEYYYYYY RATING: 9/10

TOBY HEMINGWAY AS REID GARWIN

HEYYYYYY RATING 8.5/10

SEBASTIAN STAN AS CHASE COLLINS

HEYYYYYYY RATING: 8.25/10

CHASE CRAWFORD AS TYLER SIMMS

HEYYYYYY RATING 7.5/10


AS A BONUS I'VE POSTED THE HOT LOCKER ROOM SCENE!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S2pbo7tZIqw

OVERALL MOVIE RATING 3.5/5

HOMOEROTIC RATING 4.5 WOODIES OUT OF 5