HORRORESQUE: GODS OF EGYPT

GODS OF EGYPT
Lionsgate
2016 Color
129 Mins.
Action/Adv-Fantasy
Gerard Butler, Brandon Thwaites, Courtney Eaton, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, Bryan Brown, Rachael Blake and Geoffrey Rush star.
Written by Matt Sazama and Burt Sharpless
Directed by Alex Proyas
Rated PG-1 3 for language and violence


10 THINGS TO DO IF YOU GO TO THE THEATER TO SEE GODS OF EGYPT:


1. Visualize the director's better films Crow, Dark City, Knowing.
2. Make a list of errands you have to do the following day.
3. Braid your hair.
4. Cut your fingernails.
5. Keep going to the concession stand to buy food.
6. Sneak out of the theater and see something else, anything else.
7. Think of a better movie you could make.
8. Think of jokes you can tell about the movie after it's over.
9. Sneak in lots of liquor and get drunk
10. Kill yourself.

Oh Alex Proyas why has though forsaken me. The Crow and Dark City are a few of my favorite films and unlike most I even found Knowing intriguing. But 'GOE" is the hottest mess to come out of Hollywood in quite some time. Built with a 140 million dollar budget this epic failure starts off in an alarmingly but strangely immersive campy tone. After the fight 15 minutes that falters and it becomes a loud, obnoxious groan fest. Where people shout constantly at each other and every scene is more unbelievable than the next and ends in an insepid one liner. Lots of people show up to embarrass themselves here Oscar Winner Geoffrey Rush is one I feel most ashamed for. The movie is packed with cartoonish CGI, dialogue and plotting written by a 2 year old and is only entertaining if being shouted at by an annoying kid for two hours sounds fun . The only thing the film has to offer is a fare amount of impressive visuals courtesy of Proyas's imagination but despite that every facet of this overblown cinematic turd is D.O.A. *.5/5